10-29
what would be all the worst case scenarios. the fears i had after the attack. how did i survive. i just coped. i started school as a project to throw myself into and problem solve instead of feeling my feelings and accepting the new normal. i was trying to get back to the old normal. ego and pride and identity. sense of competence and accomplishment and satisfaction. reading and information and learning and writing and academics. had all lost its luster. the worst thing which ended up coming true. worst would be if this terrible thing happened to me. if this tragedy was real and not a dream. that it would ruin my life. that i would never be able to have a good life if something like this assault and injury actually happened. that it would mean i would have medical problems. health problems. thinking problems. that i had no choice and was permanently changed. that i was damaged. that the damages were real and made me worse, less, not as good. that i was marked, scarred, damaged, ruined. that i would never be able to have a good life with such a trauma blemishing my story, my record, my timeline. that i would never recover. that it had ruined me. that it had power over me. that it was the worst possible thing. that i had lost all the good things about myself and what was left now? i sat around, or laid around, lamenting and persuading myself that i had suffered and was a victim and that this was a terrible tragedy that could never be accepted, never gotten over, never recovered from, never remediated. that there was no justice. and there was not. there was no person to blame. no accountability. only victimhood.
i talked to a at remed and said i was interested in a women’s group about tbi support.
i talked at therapy about how after the assault i knew and felt that all the overwhelming difficult flooding feelings and thoughts were going to come back and i was afraid i couldn’t handle them, couldn’t survive them, couldn’t manage myself through them. there’s this feeling of not being able to do that alone. of needing help. of needing another person.
the therapist was talking about separation. i had never thought of it in terms of that. separation anxiety. fear. early childhood fear. fear of separation. now i’m currently feeling fear of flooding from the traumas and difficult truths coming back, coming up to the surface, to my consciousness, and being given voice, spoken aloud. but keeping them silent does not make them less true. this is about being afraid of acceptance. what does it mean to accept the truths of what has happened to me, to my mind, to my body, to my being and my spirit. what really has happened to me? what do you do how do you go on when the worst has happened, and how do you cope, manage, survive, how do you thrive and heal and share and participate???
ptsfree 